Note from Heather: There are taboos in Christian culture – one of those taboos is for a single Christian female to share her pain about being single, as it gets her labeled as the dreaded “desperate” a label that all singles avoid like the plague. Why is that? The other taboo is to speak openly of wanting to find a mate to various folks, as it is considered to be something that pastors and layfolks alike are not to be involved in: it’s something you’re supposed to silently “trust God” to bring you one day, and if that fails, take responsibility for yourself and go sign up for some internet dating site.
So this post from Kate Hurley’s blog is posted with courage on her part, and on my part in reposting it, I cry: let’s destroy these taboos! While some single people are happy that way, not all of them are – and their grief should not be looked at with derision and shame! And, by all means, let’s find this gal some guys that might want to date her – if you know them, send them her blog. That’s the sort of thing that COMMUNITY is all about – and how courting used to work and still does work in religious communities – such as Jewish communities and muslim communities and lots of other communities – in times past. And if you found a spouse for Kate, that’s great – but I know dozens more single sisters, that are also eager to find someone.
In my post called Singles and the Church: Why it Sucks To Be Unintentionally Overlooked, I talked about the idea of disenfranchised grief: a grief in which nothing concrete happened to you, but the desires of your heart didn’t come to pass. It’s what didn’t happen that you are grieving over, and that doesn’t seem like a big deal to most people. But it is a true, deep loss.
I wanted to explore this idea more because so many readers commented on how much they suffer from disenfranchised loss.
I understand this kind of grief because I have been struggling a lot this month. The crazy thing is, the situation that I just went through was a simple “I’m-going-to-say-no-to-romance- even- though -you’re- wonderful” scenario that I have lived through one too many times to stay sane.
The situation itself shouldn’t be as heartbreaking as it is. And yet, I…
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